Feeling a bit guilty…

Haven’t been studying as hard as i did during june hols!!!! Feel soooo guilty…. But i have evaluated why i did well for MYE and not EOY. And the answer lies in my attitude! I was feeling so down and disaster during prep for prelims…. but i was so full of hope and anticipation and POSITIVITY!

Yes, now that i’ve found the cause, i will elimintae all NEGATIVITY and smile smile smile, hearts my econs, lit, history and maths ttm, and not be afraid of them!

IF YOU LOVE THEM, THEY WILL LOVE YOU TOO :d

muacks~
off to study.

P.S hohohoho i’ve been listening to korean songs like crazy.
2NE1-FIRE, I don’t care
f(x) – lachata, Chocolate love
G-dragon- Breathe
Park Hyo Shin – After Love
T-ara – Time to Love (part i and ii)
My ear’s candy (HAHAHA ear shit.)

Some english songs are rather nice too….
taylor swift and boys like girls- Two is better than one
five for fighting- Slice

Tears of fear, joy, and remorse

 

I miss my ah gong so much…

That night, i was listening to upbeat songs along my journey to tan tock seng hospital. 10 minutes after i saw my ah gong, he died. He died in everyone’s cries, asking him to “jiayou”, “don’t sleep”….My uncles were forcing open his eyes, reluctant to let go of so good a father…On his dying breath, his pulse beat for one last time, and a few seconds later, he was gone. Everyone crowded around his bed and kneeled down, crying and praying for him to go to heaven.

I used to be afraid of the dead, but i just wan’t afraid at all of my ah gong. During the funeral, i would frequently go over and visit him in his coffin. As i look at his face, all the memories i have of him would flood back into my mind…When taking the night shift at the funeral, my 3rd uncle told me stories of what my ah gong was like. I regret not visiting him more often so much….if only i could see him, touch him, feel him……i want to play with the hairs coming out of his big chin mole, i want to massage his hands again…

When i was small, he used to give us $10 every time we go his house. At that time, it didn’t seem like much, but come to think of it, he must really have loved us to part with $100 every week…

He also clipped our fingernails for us, and cleaned our wounds…I remember dreading the fingernail thing every weekend, esp cuz i bite my fingernails, and he’ll scold me everytime he sees my nails…when he spots a plaster or a wound on me, he’d take out his jar of white cream, and apply it for me, then after that secure the wound with a white wonder tape. haha, he said it’s better than using plaster, and i always didn’t believe him.

I always believed that death means nothing; it is just the end of life, and one goes into nothingness. But so much has happened, that suggests the existence of the spiritual world. I even want to believe in the spiritual world, so that my ah gong will continue to ’exist’.

All i hope for now, is for my relatives to stop quarrelling, and get along together. As my big auntie says, “Ah gong knows”….don’t do anything that will upset him…

I pity my ah ma… she got so exasperated by my 2nd uncle that she nearly went and jumped….scared us all to death,  and my relatives cried as they restrained her.

 

放心走吧…

Ah gong

My ah gong has been warded again, this time for his lungs….apparently, his body hasn’t been able to digest the carbs and fats of his food intake, and the fluids had accumulated in his lungs. Hais. As my uncle says, ”your ah gong live until so old, this time is the worse torture for him”. I’m super worried for him… especially since how the nurses have caused an arm fracture in my ah gong’s left arm -.- wtf. And when i was there on monday, the nurses attempted to do stuff on his left arm at least 2 times: take blood pressure, etc etc, despite there being a sign on top of his bed to “not touch the left shoulder”. ugh. Hais. My ah gong looked so frail. He hasnt eaten for two days too… And his situation is just so complicated Gonna visit him tonight again…

Bad Premonition

With the prelims results that i’ve gotten back so far, it seems that there’ll be worse to come.

GP paper 2 – 23.5/50

Maths – 49/100

WTF. Can’t believe i did so badly for 2 of my best subjects. I usually get Cs and Bs okay, what is this. Urgh. Wanna get the rest of my results just to see how badly i did, but have to wait until at least next friday, cus yea, history and lit papers always take very long to mark. Dunno about econs, prolly monday?

Sianed. Cui-ed.

What made this day worse is not being able to do the H2 Prelims papers, not even the stats section. Thanks for the boost to my confidence again.

Hais. Really very scared I’ll get some shitty shit like C all the way, or worse, a D. I’m aiming for As and nothing less, but it suddenly seems too unachievable an aim. Tai kan de qi zi ji le. *bitter laugh*

Hais. Cannot do well, then cannot get into Uni, then cannot meet more guys, then cannot get married, then cannot move away from my parents, then cannot live and peace and harmony and happiness.

RAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

All it takes is one. wrong. step.

The Ending is the Beginning

The title of this post is so apt for so many things….but of which only 1 i shall elaborate on, and keep the rest private!

#1 – The Prelims is finally over!

History cheated my feelings, making me believe i would do well since the international paper was rather easy and i had spotted all the questions, but the SEA paper was killlllllller lah. Especially the case study! rahhhhhs

Maths was okay, just that the pure maths section was tedious, and ate into the time for doing stats….so i kinda rushed through stats, and missed out some steps….. but okay lah. can pass one. but A is bye bye lah

Lit was a TORTURE. Felt like an idiot while struggling though the IOW paper, since the C&C and unseen sections were such killers. I had no idea what BOTH unseen texts were about, so i chose the poem…..which turned out to be a disastrously pathetic 1-page essay. Paper 1 was nowhere easier, and i think i basically reached the end of the world (the title of the unseen poems).

For Econs, it was okay…. i think i might even have a shot at passing! wheeee!!!

Have to work hard for the A levels! but before that, I’ve been taking a 3-day holiday, visiting my grandparents, shopping, coming to my 2nd aunt’s house to surf……. eh need to recharge right? hehs.

AAAAAAB here i come!

Cheered up :D

Was still very sadded, until i came down to the library to study with Adam    According to himself, it is because he is “hai ke yi”. LOLs.

By the way, he didn’t actually know what emoticons actually mean until i laughed at him just now. Like, all the        :)         ;)         :(             etc etc, he couldn’t see that they were actually smiley faces! And actually went to memorise them…..

 

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. omgs.

It’s nearly 5pm, and i should be going off soon, cuz meeting dawn for dinner. Such a nice bestie lolol. She shamelessly agreed that she was when i told her that. lalalalala! Can’t wait to see her!

Sadded

Really very sadded today. Feel so cui. Don’t feel like doing anything at all.

 

Upset. Frustrated. Disappointed.

Feels as if all my efforts have been in vain.

Nothing will help. Study so much so what?

 

…

 

 

Btw, they’ve signed the papers. Whatevers. As long as it doesn’t affect my A levels. Dun wanna care anymore. Feel so tired.

 

Miss shopping. Miss not having a brain. Miss just doing whatever i want. On the spur. Sudden desire to go somewhere, and actually being able to go there. Freedom.

When will this be over?

 

But life never ends. And so, it will never end.

Work over the weekend

I’ve been doing quite a lot of work over the weekend, so, yay!

Reread Herland, finished reading 3 fingers wide worth of notes on the United Nations (school notes + what i got from junyi)…. heehee! Also finished reading the econs book on Singapore, which was recommended by my Econs teacher.

Okay, i have nothing else to say, or anything INTERESTING for that matter, since i submerge myself in notes notes and more notes these days. Oh wells, not saying that im not enjoying it. Like the feeling of working hard for something ^^

Discovered! #@&$%

The school has discovered livejournal, and banned it

So jumped over to wordpress

 

It’s extremely annoying having to keep changing blog providers. Anyways, wanted to blog about how freaking cold I am after GP lecture that i am freezing from the inside out, and emitting cold air *blows* ~~

Haven’t been blogging these few days, too busy, what wit the Econs test, and hw. ‘ve been mugging too!

Discovered lots of celebs blogs. yaye! going to be a busy body and take a look everyday. Especially excited at the Felicia Chinplastic surgery  scandal. hohoho